This is a part of my life that's, in some ways, is the most difficult for me to understand, but also the easiest.It's the part I learnt the most about myself, about, GOD and about other people.
MYSELF--I learned my strengths and my weakness.These revelations came to me, not by doing the right thing, but the wrong thing.I found out what not to do, which showed me, what to do.In a lot of people's minds that was wrong, but it worked for me.Would I recommend this to someone else, NEVER.Do I have remorse, yes.Am I into self-condemnation, NO.Remorse leads to repentance, which means( to turn away from).Self-condemnation leads to self-unforgiveness, which leads to a need for self-punishment, self-punishment leads to a destructive lifestyle.This manifests itself in two ways.One you turn on yourself, which leads to drug addiction, alcoholism and bad relationships.Two, you turn on the world and others, leading to more crime, more victims and the need for more punishment,(the cycle continues.)This revelation didn't come to me overnight, but the process started in prison.I also found out about fear and how it works from both sides, getting people to fear you and being afraid.Fear is the most destructive force in the world, it kills very slowly, with no obvious outward physical signs at first. It kills the heart, the mind and the soul and puts up a wall between you and GOD.It is more debilitating than any illness or disease.The problem with fear is that it not destroys the people who are afraid that also the ones that try impose it on others.In sports, there are the ones, who try to use" trash talk" as an intimidation factor, they think they are trying to bring down their opponent, but, in reality, they are trying to bring themselves up to his level.The "trash talker is the one that's afraid!!This was something that was revealed to me very clearly in the prison environment where fear is the order of the day.You quickly learn, that the one who goes around with no shirt on showing off a well-developed body, talking tough is the one you don't have to worry about, the fellow you have to watch for is the one sitting in the corner minding his own business, the quiet one! You see he knows he's good(, tough), and he feels he doesn't have to prove anything to anybody.When I decided to go into a life of crime, I had given up on me because I believed I was a complete failure and that I didn't belong in a world I couldn't compete in,I was a failure in school,I couldn't find a career path that suited me,I had just come out of a bad marriage,it seemed to me I could do nothing right,I was a complete failure in the world,so I looking for some place I could fit.("STOP THE WORLD AND LET ME OFF")so why not prison.I soon learned, I didn't fit there either.I did learn about fear, I found a way to survive, in that environment, which showed me, I had the skills to survive anywhere!!I didn't know, HOW OR WHY, but it was working.If I could make it there I could make it anywhere
GOD--It took me several more years to discover the role GOD played in all of this, I know it was significant, but didn't understand the(" whys and wherefores") of it.How could GOD love a loser like me?Why would GOD protect someone as bad as I was?If I didn't love myself, how could HE?Those answers came over the next twenty years, in a nutshell, in GOD'S eyes I was none of those things, I was creation of GOD and GOD being the ultimate good couldn't create something evil,therefore" I was of value"I was a good person who had screwed up big time"This revelation was one of the major events, that answered a long time player," LORD let me see me through YOUR eyes"In retrospect, GOD was in my corner from day one.My fist cell mate was an oriental fellow, who for the first seventy hours lay in his cot, with his blanket over his head chanting in his native tongue, at lunch hour on the third day, he stood up on his cot and started yelling the chant at the top of his lungs.Several guards rushed in and subdued him, followed by a nurse with a needle.The last place you want to be is in an 8-10 cell filled with 2 cots a toilet, an out of control inmate and 7 or 8 unhappy guards all over 6 ft and 250 lbs,there is absolutely nowhere to go.the next month was filled with one strange event after another, even for me in my non-believing frame of mind.After lunch one of the guards came to me and asked if I was alright, I answered him nonchalantly, sure, why not.the expression on his face was one I saw often over the next four weeks, complete disbelieve!!Minutes after the young man in the next cell started talking to me and they let us out after clean up, he came out and we sat at the lunch table talking to me,I noticed this got the attentions of the security staff,I had no idea why I later discovered the young man was suffering from extreme paranoid,he was a regular visitor there, very couple of months he would think someone was out to get him and attack an innocent party landing him back on an assault charge.I never felt threatened or uneasy around in any way.I seemed to have a calming effect on him, without my knowledge.The next incident occurred the very next morning, a young fellow named Tony, came to me and asked if he could talk, again this conversation got attention, from the staff.Tony started to tell my his story about 5 or 6 lines into to it I told him, to fire his lawyer, this shocked me.Over the next hour or so it took him to explain his situation, I kept looking for an opening to tell him I was wrong, he wouldn't listen.You see tony was facing(a governor-general warrant), this is right out of old British law,(AT THE QUEEN'S OR KING'S LEISURE), which here means natural life in a prison medical facility.Tony wasn't the sharpest knife in the draw, but he was charged with something that was out and self-defense, plus he was also protecting a third bystander.For the next two weeks, I followed him around like a lost puppy trying to change his mind, no way.On his court day I was more nervous than on mine, I was a complete nervous wreck, when he didn't show up by supper time ,i asked why ,the guard told me, that Tony asked the judge at the outset of his hearing if he could fire his lawyer, the judge said yes, he then asked if he makes a statement, the judge agreed, after his statement, the throw the case out and heavily chastise both the lawyer and crown.I was more shocked than anybody.That night I was approached, and asked, if I wanted to be moved from that range, which would have dropped my security rating down, again I surprised myself by turning it down.After the incident with my cell mate and with the young man talking to me they gave me a range cleaners job, this gave me a little freedom and a few perks.Ten days after Tony's release I was trying to get a card game going, my usual partner was sleeping, when I went to wake him up his cell mate asked if he could be my partner.Another major surprise, Berry, my card partner cell mate was a real puzzle to everyone most of the time he was walking around in a complete daze, with the odd Laurent day.being the range cleaner, I was always the last one locked down and the first one let out in the morning.As I was on my way to my cell I saw him sitting with his face in his hands, when I got up in the morning he was in the same position.I did learn that Barty was an ex-British marine(special forces), he had cracked during the Falklands war, and he and his mother were now living in Toronto.The following account is the most bazaar thing I've ever heard of or seen.The first hand was dealt, I was watching Barry try and pick up something in his body language, that would give me an idea of what cards he was holding, all I saw was confusion, that don't surprise me too much, my hand was a complete mess.Barry then said,"George, can I ask a question"?Our opponents didn't mind, so I said yes.I didn't realize he knew my name.The question got everyone's attention, mine, our opponents, and the guards, who were standing in earshot, several more than usual.Barry said,"if you have killed someone, would you know it."my answer was yes,Barry seemed to come out of his dazed condition and for the first time,I was his smile,the smile was one of discovery, of acknowledgement, of peace, like he had just solved a major mystery.As the game proceed I never took my eyes off of his.I was still slightly interested in reading him, for the game sake but I was far more interested in what was coming next.The was to ten, we were tied at 9 each the cards that were dealt, would be the last hand As I looked into his eyes, I saw the most indescribable twisted face I've seen, then a cloud?appeared over his eyes.Barry then started to confess to one of the most horrific murders I had ever heard of, plus the most unusual set of actions, as he confessed the cloud started to move off his face, by the time he had finished the cloud was gone,he got up shock his head smiled and went back to his cell and went to sleep.The last hand was never finished.As I was cleaning up, the staff came to me and told me I was being transferred and downgraded the next day.I said " OK" The rest of my sentence, was filled with many adventures, none quite as dramatic as the above, but still in their own way interesting.Like the day was transferred from THE DON to KINGSTON.There is a hard and fast rule about male inmates being alone with a female guard.On my down in the elevator I was surprised to find my escort a was a female guard and there was just the two of us,she was the toughest guard there,when you ask her, her name she said"the bull dyke" ,she hated men period,us as well as her fellow male guards.You can imagine my shock w hen she used her key to shutting the-the door and didn't put it in the floor lock.She told me that I was the only person she had ever hated to see leaving in this manner, she also said that if we had met fifteen years early that she would not be the way she was, the bull dyke.SHE then quickly jumped back into character and told me if I ever told anyone, she would break me in two.She could have.I had some positive effect, On everybody inmates and guards alike, to this day, I still don't understand what or how I did it.The only explanation I have is GOD.
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